Connections, Categories, and Relationship

I recently re-read "The Five Love Languages" before loaning it to my neighbor and was captivated again by the categories of love delineated in the book. Labels are a good thing, in my opinion. If everything is bunched together into a great mass of ideas, it's easy to ignore the points missed. Labels prevent this, if only by distinguishing types of ideas one from the other.

Now, visit Gmail with me for a moment. Don't worry, this is connected. I don't like files. Usually any item I file ought to be in more than one folder, and I can rarely decide which I'd remember more easily. This is why I love gmail. They don't file the email, they label it and search for the label. I can have one email that will show up if I click on "parents," "brother," and "immediate action." This is what categories do for me. I do not have boxes in my brain, far from it. (It's a miracle I remember anything!) But everyone that passes through my life receives labels.

"Young and impressionable" "Lonely" "Needs a friend" "Confident" "Strong" "Genuine" "Caring" Can you label me based on the labels that jump to my mind? It's likely you already have. Every word, every action, every tone, every impression filters into the mind of those around us as a label. Some are bright, bold colors. These are the labels categorized as important to the viewer. They may mean nothing to anyone else, but life and choices have made these labels stand out to the point where the impression may never go away. Some are faded and easily forgotten. These are the things that are unimportant to the viewer, whether or not the rest of the world considers them essential.

And now, the way this thinking has filtered through my life.

I've been thinking about the friends of my youth and the ways I thought of them when we lived in close proximity. They still shine in my memory as wonderful people. I know they weren't always kind to me, but they were each so special and wonderful that it doesn't really matter. They are the treasures of my past, and I rejoice each time I get the chance to interact with them and find out more of what they are today.

I remember, also, the labels I applied to myself in reference to my relationships with them. "Third-best friend" "Tag-along" "Admirer" I longed to be able to apply to myself the label of "Best Friend" or "Needed." Even now, my view of the world is colored by a certainity that I am unnecessary. I know, mentally, that this isn't true since God created me for His purposes and gave me a place and a talent to invest in service for Him. Yet, I find myself protecting my children from the labels I applied to myself all those years ago,... and, just maybe, teaching them to think on those labels instead of the truth? Scary thought...

Yet, I don't want them to live in a bubble of prideful lies either. I want them to see the labels that are applied to them by those around them and use them as part of the mirror God has created in relationship to illuminate flaws, faults, and sin and also to encourage, lift up, and glorify God. The thing is, I don't have this mirror thing figured out yet.

Recently, I was told that I must be one of those energetic choleric people. I nearly fell off my chair! Just because, on Sunday, I'm often the one who helps set up coffee for our class? Wow! This shook my mirror to pieces. I always thought people saw me as rather shy and perhaps stuck up. I've forced myself to go talk to people instead of always waiting and hoping someone will strike up a conversation. I know how terrified this makes me, but does everyone else? Maybe I'm just as deceived by the social discipline of those I admire for their grace and poise? I don't know.

What I do know, is that it's easier to befriend a lonely, hurting person than a confident, happy one, but so few people seem to be hurting. Or, at least, they seem to have sufficient structures of friends if they do hurt, and I'd just be another demand on their time if I tried to befriend them too. Do these people stand in their own worlds, looking out, and thinking they need a friend? I can't tell.

My observations are limited by my experiences, which have been both terrible to go through, and nearly nothing in the face of what could have been. My outreach is limited by who I am, and doesn't fit my ideals of what friendship and outreach should be by a long shot. The person I am admires the person I wish to be from afar and wonders what God is going to do with "this."

And so, I finish with my conclusion and a question.

I've concluded that it's best just to love even if it's annoying to the person I think I'm loving. I usually try to clearly outline the exit sign so they don't think they have to suffer my attention if they don't want it and watch carefully to see what reaches them and what merely slides off or annoys. I tell myself they can label me as they wish, but that I still choose to hold them in esteem. It seems to work. So far, I've accumulated ten times the amount of friends I had in my lonely, "just wait for them to tell me how to love them or maybe they'll just love me so I don't have to figure it out" years. (Not as though I feel adequate even now, but one can't ignore people who say, "Stop second-guessing! I appreciate you! Live with it!" Though I do have to hand the credit over to God, as I'm trying to do it His way. My way is terribly ineffective.)

And now, the question...s.

How DO "normal" people figure out friendship? How do you know you are wanted and not merely tolerated? How do you reach out to someone when you're not sure what registers to them as love? What category of people are you especially drawn to? Why?